“Everything Happens for a Reason”: Navigating Infertility & Pregnancy Loss with Compassion
Raise your hand if you’ve ever had someone, usually well-meaning, tell you “everything happens for a reason” after a miscarriage, failed IUI, IVF disappointment, or years of infertility. Yup. That phrase has a special kind of magic: the kind that makes you want to roll your eyes so hard they might just pop out of your head.
If this hits home, let me start by saying: you are not alone, and it’s not just you—this is a shared human experience. But why does it give us “the ick,” and what does it mean for individuals, couples, and the family system?
Why “Everything Happens for a Reason” Hurts
At first glance, the phrase is meant to be comforting. But here’s the problem:
It invalidates your pain. Infertility and pregnancy loss are deeply personal, often isolating experiences. Telling someone there’s a “reason” can feel like saying, “Your grief is inconvenient.”
It puts pressure on you to find meaning, when sometimes the reality is: there’s no reason. You just feel sad, angry, or exhausted—and that’s okay.
It can erode support from friends or family who don’t understand that comfort doesn’t always come from platitudes.
The Impact on YOU
Infertility and pregnancy loss can shake your identity, self-esteem, and sense of control. When someone tells you “everything happens for a reason,” it may trigger:
Shame (“Why am I not seeing the silver lining?”)
Anger or resentment toward the person offering the phrase
Feeling misunderstood or unseen
Coping Strategies for You
Acknowledge your feelings. Say it out loud: “I’m sad. I’m angry. This sucks.” Validating your emotions is a radical act of self-care.
Journal or expressive writing. Documenting your journey helps process grief without pressure.
Therapy: Individual therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, identity shifts, and coping mechanisms. A therapist can also help you communicate your needs to friends and family.
Mindfulness and grounding exercises: Simple techniques like deep breathing, body scans, or water therapy can help you reconnect with your body during emotional turmoil.
The Impact on Couples
Infertility doesn’t just affect the individual—it’s a couple’s experience, too. “Everything happens for a reason” can:
Increase tension between partners if one wants hope while the other is grieving
Create misalignment in coping styles (one may seek positivity, the other space)
Intensify feelings of guilt or blame
Support Strategies for Couples
Couples therapy: Provides a neutral space to discuss emotions, fears, and expectations without judgment.
Shared rituals: Light candles, go for walks, or create a “memory ritual” for losses. Even small acts of connection matter.
Communication check-ins: Regularly share how you’re feeling in concrete terms. Avoid assumptions.
External support networks: Infertility and loss groups can normalize your shared experience and reduce isolation.
The Impact on the Family System
Family members often want to help—but sometimes their words hurt. The “reason” line can inadvertently:
Place emotional labor on the person experiencing loss
Strain parent-sibling relationships (especially if family has expectations of grandchildren)
Leave friends or extended family unsure how to respond
Supporting a Loved One Through Infertility or Loss
Listen more than you speak. “I’m here for you” beats “everything happens for a reason.”
Avoid giving unsolicited advice. Unless asked, skip tips on conception, treatments, or spiritual meaning.
Validate emotions. Phrases like “I can’t imagine how hard this is” or “It’s okay to feel sad” are gold.
Offer practical help. Meal drops, childcare, or accompanying someone to appointments can show love without words.
Humor as Medicine
Yes, laughter can coexist with grief. Infertility memes, sarcastic venting, or silly inside jokes with your partner can:
Lighten the emotional load
Create bonding moments
Remind you that you’re still human, still alive, and still allowed to smile
Remember: it’s okay to find joy in small things, even while grieving a big loss.
Call to Action
If you’re navigating infertility or pregnancy loss:
Consider reaching out for individual or couples therapy. You deserve support that meets you where you are.
Lean on your community, both online and in-person. Find your people who get it.
Start setting boundaries around hurtful phrases, even if it feels awkward. Your feelings matter.
And if you know someone experiencing infertility or loss:
Skip the “reason” platitudes.
Offer your ears, your presence, your lunch.
Remember: sometimes the best support is simply being there, without explanation.
Infertility and pregnancy loss are messy, complicated, and heartbreakingly real. You don’t have to find a reason, silver lining, or moral in it. You just have to survive it, honor it, and find people willing to stand with you—through the tears, the frustration, and the occasional sarcastic eye roll.
You are seen. You are valid. And your journey does not need a reason to matter.
