Stop Telling Me “It Could Be Worse” – Infertility and the Pain of Comparison
We’ve all heard it. That one phrase that sneaks into conversations when people don’t know what else to say:
“It could be worse.”
When you’re in the thick of infertility, those words land like a lead balloon. They’re meant to be comforting, a way of reminding you to “look on the bright side,” but let’s be real: they sting. Because infertility already is the worst—at least for you, right now.
And the truth is, suffering doesn’t need a ranking system. Pain doesn’t become more valid just because it wins gold in the “who has it worse” Olympics.
Why “It Could Be Worse” Hurts So Much
Infertility is already a rollercoaster of loss, longing, and logistical chaos. Add in this little phrase, and suddenly your grief is being graded.
When someone says, “It could be worse,” here’s what often gets communicated (even if it’s not intentional):
That your feelings are too big for the situation.
That you should be grateful for what you have instead of grieving what you don’t.
That your heartbreak is somehow less important because others have “bigger” problems.
It’s like breaking your leg and being told, “Well, at least you didn’t break both.” Sure, perspective matters. But does that make your leg hurt less? Nope.
Infertility Grief Deserves Space
Infertility isn’t just about trying to conceive—it’s about mourning the life you thought you’d have, month after month. Each negative test, each failed cycle, each loss adds to the weight of unspoken grief.
And when that grief is dismissed with “it could be worse,” it creates shame. You start to wonder: Am I overreacting? Should I just toughen up?
Spoiler alert: you’re not overreacting. Grief is grief. Loss is loss. And it deserves to be acknowledged, not minimized.
How This Plays Out in Relationships
Here’s where it gets even messier: when the “it could be worse” mindset creeps into a partnership.
One partner might say it in an attempt to keep hope alive.
The other feels invalidated and more alone than ever.
Resentment builds. The emotional chasm widens.
Infertility already tests relationships with its scheduling, pressure, and financial strain. When minimization enters the chat, communication can break down fast.
What To Say Instead
If you’re supporting someone through infertility, here’s the cheat sheet:
✨ Instead of “It could be worse” try…
“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”
“You don’t deserve this pain.”
“I’m here to listen—whatever you’re feeling is okay.”
“This sucks. And I’m with you in it.”
Empathy > Comparison. Every single time.
Coping Strategies for Individuals
When you’re on the receiving end of “it could be worse,” here are some ways to protect your heart:
Name the hurt. It’s okay to internally say, “That didn’t feel supportive.”
Choose boundaries. If certain people constantly minimize, limit what you share with them.
Create safe spaces. Therapy, support groups, or trusted friends can give you the validation you need.
Self-compassion check-ins. Remind yourself: My pain matters. I don’t need to compare it to anyone else’s.
Coping Strategies for Couples
For couples navigating this together, therapy can help shift the dynamic away from minimization and toward connection. Tools from Imago therapy and IFS (Internal Family Systems) can guide you in:
Expressing grief without judgment.
Recognizing that both partners may hurt differently—but equally deeply.
Rebuilding intimacy that infertility often strains.
Learning to fight with each other, not against each other.
Because when “it could be worse” leaves the conversation, space opens up for what is true right now: your hurt, your longing, your love, and your shared resilience.
Therapy: A Space Where “Worse” Doesn’t Exist
One of the most healing parts of therapy is that you don’t need to minimize, rank, or justify your pain. It simply gets to exist.
In my work with women and couples experiencing infertility, I create space for all the emotions—the grief, the anger, the jealousy, the exhaustion—without judgment. Together, we make room for both the heartbreak and the hope, so you don’t have to carry it alone.
Final Thoughts
Infertility is already a heavy burden. You don’t need to be told it “could be worse.” You need to be told:
This hurts.
You’re not alone.
You deserve care, compassion, and support.
If you’re ready to feel seen, heard, and supported beyond clichés, therapy can help you navigate the weight of infertility with tools, validation, and partnership.
